Fallen Identity
by yellowmile
Summary: Does she know who she is? He does.


**Okay, so this is based off the picture that was released a few weeks ago of Clare and this woman that's supposed to "cause her trouble" plus mixed in with my own ideas. In no way is what I predict will happen the next half of season 11 but I just liked the idea of this. Let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

* * *

><p><strong>Fallen Identity<strong>

.

Clare Edwards stuffed her hands in her coat pocket and hid her mouth inside her collar as she trudged down the street through the fall weather. Coloured leaves scrunched under her boots and a small chill crawled on her cheeks. The weather was dank and gray and mirrored exactly how Clare felt.

Just how she felt everyday.

But doing _this_ every week made the gray feeling numb. It stopped her senses… her emotions… her pain. A year ago, Clare would never even put a thought to considering this-it just wasn't who she was. But yet again, who was she really? Everyone says she's changing. Her mom-who usually doesn't even bat her a glance since she married Glen-even took notice of Clare's different behaviour. Her own boyfriend-or should she say _ex-boyfriend_-won't even look at her the same way anymore.

Jake was the one who she was supposed to trust the most. She was going to give her vow to him for heaven's sakes! But as soon as she threw herself at him, he became distant and seemed uncomfortable being around her.

It was like no one even cared anymore.

She hasn't talked to her dad in months, and she can't even bring herself to see him and his _girlfriend. _

She didn't even have her best friend anymore! After Clare stopped being friends with Alli, the dark-skinned girl wasted no time and spending more time with Jenna. It wasn't a surprise to Clare. Jenna did live with the Bhandari's and Clare was the one to end the friendship, but it still hurts.

She thankfully still had Adam, but everyday she could see him stringing farther away and hanging out more with Dave or Eli. Eli and Clare were sort of on the verge of becoming friends. They were assigned as English partners this year, once again. But it was still a little different to hang out with him. Especially when Fiona and Imogen-_his girlfriend_-tagged along. Sometimes, Clare wished things would just go back to her, Eli and Adam. The three of them just being… them.

But things can't be the same ever again.

Clare knew that.

Which is why she turns down that alleyway every Friday and greets the same woman in the same spot. Amber was her name. A tough, straight-edged woman that only means business-even if she could pass for a high-school student.

Clare saw a cunning smile on the older female as she walked further down the alley before stopping in front of her.

"Well, well, you look extra spiffy today," Amber noted, taking in Clare's apparel. "Dressed up for your boyfriend?"

Clare knew Amber was messing with her because she was only wearing her regular school uniform that she wore every time she met with Amber. Plus, Amber was well aware that Clare had _no _boyfriend.

"Do you have the stuff?" Clare asked impatiently but was careful not to push the red head's buttons. Things didn't work out so well last time when Clare tried to be in control. She had the bruises on her stomach to remind her that.

"Don't get smart with me, Clarebear," Amber threatened, dark eyes narrowing dangerously. "Now what's the magic word?"

Clare took out the two bills before putting them in Amber's hand. She was lucky to get that cleaning job through Glen at the local department store. Her mom thought it was good to save for University. That was Clare's intentions at first-but things change.

So has she.

"Ooooo, you gave the pink one's this time," Amber commented in approval over the 50 dollar bills. "You know me so well."

She stuffed the money in her pocket and quickly took out the plastic baggy that held Clare's contents. Clare took the bag eagerly and looked through it to see more then she bargained for. She looked up at Amber in confusion.

"This is more then I usually pay for," Clare said in small astonishment.

"I know," Amber nodded. "You really looked like shit the past few weeks and just thought you needed some more. Oh, and they're more strong then the regular."

Sometimes Clare wouldn't know what she'd do if Amber wasn't around. She pulled a couple of pills and popped them in her mouth, grimacing when she dry-swallowed them. It was a burden, but something she got used to. She couldn't take the pills at home-her parents and Jake would suspect-and she always liked to feel the numbness when she was alone.

She felt the pain all alone. Why should this be any different?

"Easy there," Amber directed. "You don't need to take that much at once. These will kick in with no time."

"Thanks," Clare nodded.

"Take it easy, kid," Amber clicked her tongue before disappearing down the alley.

When Amber was out of sight, Clare had to be sure this would work. She needed to forget about everyone and anything. So she downed another pill.

Then another.

Two.

Three.

With each pill she popped in, her mind started to blur. Helen and Glen started to disappear from her thoughts. Her father strayed away quickly. Jake was starting to blur in the corner and Alli and Adam were next. Eli was still prominent in her mind though. He was looking at her. Clare didn't know why he wouldn't leave her mind. Black surrounded his face but he just didn't want to leave her vision.

She started to feel light-headed and her fingers tingled.

She stumbled and tried to grab the brick wall but it seemed too far away to reach. Her whole body started to shut down but Eli was still there. He looked so far away after awhile and Clare finally thought he was going to leave her alone. He looked worried and scared and suddenly his face tried to come closer. Clare tried to make out exactly what was happening but it was too late.

She fell to the ground and her whole world went black.

.

Eli Goldsworthy angrily zipped up his jacket before walking out of the Dot with Imogen Moreno trailing behind. It was a windy day and he could feel the cold pinching his cheeks but that wasn't the reason why he was pissed.

"Are you still going to act this way?" Eli asked begrudgingly as they walked down the street.

Imogen has been acting way too upset and jealous lately at the fact that Clare was his English partner. So what if him and Clare were friends now? That didn't mean he was going to go after her.

"I just don't know why you're okay with this," Imogen said, annoyed, her brown eyes glaring at him.

"We've been over this so many times, Imogen!" Eli snapped in frustration. "Clare and I are just friends. That's it!"

"How do I not you will fall for her again?" Imogen asked, hurt clear in her voice. "I watched for months how you pined after her, Eli. She can make you do crazy things…"

"Don't you dare blame that on her," Eli said sharply. "I was responsible for my own actions. That was my fault. Not hers'."

Imogen looked guilty as her eyes fell to the ground.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I'm just scared of losing you."

"Hey," Eli said, grabbing her cheek. "Don't worry about anything. I'm right here."

Imogen smiled before lightly kissing his lips and holding onto his hand. They walked in a comfortable silence and Eli looked through the many windows of the stores that they passed by. A gap soon came up between two stores and Eli was about to look onto the next window when he noticed a familiar figure down the alleyway.

"Clare!"

Eli let go of Imogen's hand in a flash and ran down the alley to the auburn-haired girl that stumbled unconscious to the ground. He fell to his knees and pulled her into his lap, lightly patting her face.

"No, no, no," Eli started hysterically. "Clare, wake up."

He heard footsteps behind them but he didn't look away from Clare. He was still trying to wake her up. He was too focused on waking her up that he didn't notice the bag of pills by the young girl's feet.

"Eli, she was taking pills," Imogen gasped.

"Go get help!" Eli ordered. "Call 911! GO NOW!"

Her heard her run away from the alley and he only prayed to the God he didn't believe in to have help come in time. He held Clare tightly and looked at her pale skin and chapped lips. How could she become so damaged? Clare was perfect in Eli's eyes. Always will be. But he couldn't stand to see her this way.

"It's not supposed to be like this!" Eli cried out to the sky. "You're supposed to be the one saving people. Not the other way around, Edwards."

She was the strongest person he's ever known. She was his rock and he craved to have her strength one day. That's why that day he realized he needed to get better for himself, he knew that it was truly Clare. She helped him realize that he can be someone better. He doesn't have to life a hopeless life.

She gave _him_ hope.

He was going to give it to her in return.

"Please, Clare," he pleaded in a soft whisper, stroking her cold cheek tenderly. "Come back to me, Edwards. _Please. I love you._"

He didn't deny it. Not ever. He would always love Clare. Even if they were still on a bumpy path to friendship and things wouldn't be the same. Even if he fucks up so many chances with her, he'll _always love her. _

She didn't respond and Eli only pressed his cheek to hers as tears streaked down his face. He rocked her gently and just waited for help to come.

He hoped it would.

**xXx**

Things were poking her and she felt stiff.

Her eyes opened and she was welcomed inside of a room. She heard machines lightly buzzing and wires were all over her. Where was she? She slowly stretched her fingers and realized something was pinched over her index finger. A wire was rested under her nose and she was wearing a hospital gown.

"Clare."

The voice sounded so far away but in reality, it was only a few feet. Clare blinked and saw her mom and Glen hunched over her bed, holding on to each other as if for dear life.

"Oh, sweetie," Helen cried before sobbing uncontrollably. She carefully hugged Clare and kissed her forehead.

"Hey there, kiddo," Glen smiled. "We're glad you pulled through. Thought we lost ya."

Clare knew Glen wasn't much of a talker, and was a little awkward when trying to speak in a meaningful way… kind of like Jake. So Clare knew that was his talk for, "Thank God you're not dead." But Clare was still disoriented through everything, including how she ended up in here and _why _she was here, to think about Glen and Helen showing so much affection towards her.

"What happened?" Clare rasped.

The door suddenly opened and Jake entered, a coffee in his hand and oblivious to what was happening right in front of him. He looked up and Clare was shocked to see the look of relief and heartfelt on his face.

"Oh my God, Clare," he breathed with a warm smile on his face. "I'm so glad you're okay."

Clare didn't know what to say in response and she felt weird with all the sudden affection.

"Can someone tell me what happened?" Clare asked quietly, sneaking a glance at everyone. They all looked at each other sadly before looking back to Clare.

"Honey," Helen started, taking a seat on the side of Clare's bed. "You overdosed on some pills."

Clare's eyes widened. She didn't think the stuff was _that _strong. And even worse, everyone now knew what she had been doing.

"Oh," was all Clare could say.

"The doctor had to pump your stomach, which has bruises on it," Helen said in pain, holding onto Clare's hand. "You almost didn't make it."

The environment may have seemed so emotional; given her mother about to burst into tears any second and the boys giving Clare sad looks, but Clare didn't feel sad.

She felt nothing.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Helen asked wretchedly.

"I didn't try to kill myself," Clare responded, but instantly felt guilt because her mom was in the same scenario with Darcy just a few years ago. "Mom, I promise."

"Then why have you've been taking pills?" she said more shrilly. "The doctor said they've been in your system for weeks."

"They helped me," Clare said.

"What?" Helen choked.

Clare looked away and suddenly wanted to leave this place.

"Helen, can I talk to Clare for a minute," Jake asked in a gruff voice that noted he hasn't had a good sleep in awhile.

Clare didn't watch her mom get up. She just wanted them to go away. Even Jake. She did not want to talk to him at all.

"I called your father," Helen said from the door. "He's in New York but he's on a plane right now, on his way here."

"You shouldn't have told him," Clare whispered.

The door closed and she didn't look at Jake as he walked over to her bed. She yanked her hand away when he tried to hold it and moved to her side to be fully away from him.

"Clare, I'm sorry."

He sounded so serene and gentle and Clare almost turned to see if he were faking it or not. Oh who was she kidding, she knew he wasn't pretending. As much as distant as they were, she knew Jake still harboured feelings for her. And she did too.

"For what?" she asked.

"For being a jerk to you," he said. "I know you must be upset with me for kind of brushing you off but I was just scared."

That got her attention. She slowly turned around and saw how fragile he looked. It was a shock. He was always this laid-back guy whom kept his emotions on his sleeve and never let anything bug him. But he was anything but his normal self at the moment and Clare found that a little comforting.

"You were scared… of being with me?" Clare said, trying to understand clearly.

"Kind of," he said nervously. "When you said we'd be together forever, I freaked out a bit because to be honest, I wasn't thinking that far ahead."

"I understand. I wasn't in my right mind when I said those words too," Clare admitted.

"But… I still love you," Jake said timidly. "And I know I was freaked out and everything but maybe if we try again slowly… things can be better."

Clare thought about it for a moment. A few weeks ago, if Jake were to come up with this conclusion, she would've fallen to her knees with approval. But she felt different now. She still had feelings for him but was that enough?

"No," she said slowly, looking at the wall.

"No?" Jake echoed.

"It's not right," Clare said, returning her gaze to Jake. "We are step-siblings now and we're too young to be thinking about forever when things are still going haywire for me. I think we should put this behind us and start fresh."

"As step-siblings?" Jake asked, sounding a little hurt.

"Friends," Clare corrected. "I think it would be better for everyone this way."

"I see," Jake said after a moment, his expression unreadable. "If that's how you want it."

"I do," Clare said.

Jake nodded before turning to leave and suddenly a thought occurred to Clare.

"Jake?" she asked and he stopped to look at her. "Who found me?"

"Eli."

.

"Eli. _Eli. _ELI_._"

A hand pushing his shoulder awoke him from his thoughts and he saw Imogen standing in front of him. She gave him a small smile before taking a seat beside him.

"How long have I been asleep?" Eli asked, quickly sitting up and fixing himself.

"I'm not sure. I only came in a few minutes ago," Imogen mused.

"Oh, okay," Eli said, looking at the door in front of him.

It's been a whole day since they brought in Clare and thankfully she pulled through. But the doctor didn't know when she would wake up. It would be soon. Eli knew it would be soon.

"Why don't you go home and get cleaned up?" Imogen offered, holding onto his arm. "We could come back to the hospital later."

"I'm not leaving," Eli said stubbornly, shaking his head.

The door suddenly opened and his heart started to race when he saw Jake Martin leave the room. The taller boy looked a little upset, maybe even pained? Eli jumped up from his seat when Jake nodded towards him and Imogen followed suit.

"She's awake," Jake said. "She wants to see you."

Eli figured Jake would sound a little more happy that his girlfriend was awake from a drug overdose but didn't put much thought to it because she was awake! He was going to see her baby blues and colour in her face once again. He was ecstatic.

Jake left and Eli was about to go when someone grabbed his arm. Imogen looked at him with big brown eyes that made him stop dead in his tracks.

"Imogen, I have to see her," Eli said, knowing what she was about to do.

Imogen closed her eyes and let out a breath. She was still holding onto his arm but was slowly starting to pull away.

"You're a good guy, Eli Goldsworthy," Imogen smiled but tears started to form in her eyes. "But I now know that some things aren't meant to be."

"Wait…" Eli said, alarmed. "No, Imogen I'm not-"

She hugged him before he could finish the sentence and sadness took over him when he hugged her back. It felt like a goodbye and Eli didn't know how to feel about that.

"I knew you always loved her," Imogen whispered in his ear before giving his a cheek a small kiss.

Eli felt terrible when he saw the tears streaming down her face. He tried to reach out to her but she backed away. She gave him a sad smile before walking out of the hospital. He took in a deep breath before opening the door and entering the room.

She looked a little healthier but the hospital look didn't suit her. It reminded him too much when _he _was in the hospital. He closed his eyes tightly and thought of a happy memory to get rid of the dark thoughts that threatened to take over his mind.

"Seems like the tables have turned, huh?" Clare said softly, a small giggle in her voice.

He opened his eyes and felt his heat tug when a smile displayed on her face. Aside from her eyes, her smile was his favourite trait of her.

"Guess so," he laughed in response, sitting in the chair beside her bed.

She looked comfortable, to his relief. More comfortable then she has been around him for weeks. It was a surprise but made him happy. As happy as he could be at the moment.

"So, Eli Goldsworthy saved me," Clare said in a mock-macho voice. "Why am I not surprised it's always you who saves me?"

Eli was flabbergasted by her question.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You're always there for me," he said. "During friendship club, the woods… and now the alleyway. You always seem to come at the right time."

Eli didn't know himself how lucky it was for him to be near Clare when she overdosed. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Or destiny, maybe? Eli never really believed in that type of stuff but at the moment, he didn't exactly know what to believe anymore.

"Why did you do it?" he abruptly asked, looking straight into her eyes.

She looked away but Eli wasn't going to have any of that. She was going to answer him-no matter how stubborn she was.

"Because I'm pathetic," she said, looking back into his eyes. "I try to make things manageable for myself and it just makes everything worse."

"Clare, taking pills doesn't solve anything," Eli said seriously. "I know you didn't try to kill yourself. I just want to know why you've been doing this?"

"You didn't think I tried to kill myself?" Clare asked, shocked.

Eli almost laughed at her expression. He knew in a million years that Clare would never do something like this. It just wasn't in her character.

"You think I don't know you?" Eli asked amusedly. "I just know that you were taking pills regularly to push away something."

Clare looked at her wired hands and closed her eyes. She let out a small laugh that was in no way humorous and gave Eli a sad look.

"Everything is going terrible, Eli," she sighed heavily. "My dad cheated on my mom before they were divorced, mom is too busy with Glen, Jake and I broke up… again, and I lost my best friend."

Eli saw how tired and stressed she looked and all he wanted to so was hold her, but knew it was not the appropriate time to do so.

"It's not your fault this is all happening," Eli soothed.

"That's what I thought," Clare said bitterly. "But once I add everything up-it all leads back to me. _Me. _Taking the pills was the only time I could escape the pain. I felt free."

"No you didn't," Eli argued. "You felt chemicals screwing with your brain. It doesn't solve the problem, Clare. It only hides it and worsens it later on."

"I'm such an idiot!" she cried, sobs escaping from her throat. "Why do I even try at all to keep things the same? All I do is end up hurting everyone!"

"That is not true," Eli shook his head.

"But it is!" she yelled. "You should know this, Eli. I left you at the hospital!"

Eli felt a pang to chest and it wasn't because she was bringing up that horrifying memory-but the fact she was blaming herself for it.

"You listen to me," Eli demanded, grabbing her hand. "That wasn't your fault. I was the one that put you through hell. Remember that, okay? I want you to remember that."

Clare clutched onto his hand tighter and tears still streamed down her face.

"I always thought it was the right decision," she said quietly. "But I still hate how it had to end. I hated that I couldn't stay with you."

"Oh, Clare," Eli murmured sweetly, sitting on her bed and taking her cheek in his hand. "You couldn't stay to help me. You know that."

She sat up and latched onto him, sobbing into his shoulder and clutching onto him tightly. He stroked her hair and just felt happy to hold her again because there was so many times he wanted to hold her but couldn't. After her tears slowed down, he lain down on the bed with her and watched as she went in and out of sleep.

Eli would say many thing to her as she drifted through sleep. Simple things.

"I called Alli and Adam," Eli said, after awhile. "They'll be coming later on."

She was still sleepy but managed to answer him each time.

"I want to see them."

"We'll have to write a story for English class."

"I want to write."

After many simple things were said from him, Clare abruptly sat up and looked alarmed.

"Where's Imogen?" she asked kindly. "I'm sure you'll want to go home and see her."

"I don't think Imogen wants to see me at the moment," Eli said, trying to hide his sadness.

"Is it because you're here with me?" Clare asked, sounding apologetic. "Because you don't have to stay. You can go find her-"

"Clare, this has been going on for awhile," Eli interrupted softly.

Clare cuddled back into him and gave him a curious look.

"What has?" she asked.

"Imogen knew that I still loved you," he admitted slowly. "And as much as I care for her, she's right."

He looked in Clare's eyes and something sparked in them. It reminded him of the day when she asked him if they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

"Is it bad that I sill love you too," she said shakily, resting her head on his chest and not looking at him.

"We've been through so much together…" Eli trailed.

"And I think it will always be this way, because you know how we are. Who I am?" she said the last phrase as if asking a question and Eli was all too willing to answer.

"I do know who you are," he nodded. "You're Clare Edwards. Sweet, patient, kind and beautiful extraordinaire that can get through anything that gets flung her way. Whether it's a boyfriend crashing his hearse, a parents' divorce or a drug overdose-you'll always be able to get past it."

She looked up at him with innocent eyes.

"How do you know?"

"Because Clare Edwards, you are the hero."


End file.
